I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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