false alarm. still invincible.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
