Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I died a long time ago.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
