I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
