We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
