In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
