fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
