So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize