i wish my penis had a tongue
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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