I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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