How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
