i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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