I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Randomize
