I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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