Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
