I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
