FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the condom got lost in my hair
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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