I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
