Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
