I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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