just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
