I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
