Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
