I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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