I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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