who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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