her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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