oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
