We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
