capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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