I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
