please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
