thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
