I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You're earring is so big in my mouth
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
