I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
