Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
