When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
