why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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