i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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