Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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