Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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