I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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