I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
