She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
