Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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