I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
