I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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