remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
