its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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