Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
