I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
love makes seman taste better
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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