also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize