I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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