someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Enjoy the penises
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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