Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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