you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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